not feeling well today (go back »)

Today I don't really feel like myself. I don't feel fat or particularly ugly, I just feel tired and lethargic. I'm kind of pullling myself along by my bootstraps. It's hard.

Last night, my parents pulled a bunch of shit by telling me that they're goiong to pull me out of my chemistry class because I failed the first semester. That's some crap, because I spend two hours a night on that homework. I take notes, and do everything else I should. And I shouldn't be punished simple for not getting good grades. Not to mention that that class is the only time in a day I really don't feel like killing myself. It's so frustrating, this school thing. All the work is either extremely difficult, insultingly easy, or the teacher sucks so much ass I don't understand what they're saying. In addition to this, I'm taunted on almost the daily basis. Wherever I go in this damn school I get some dumb comments about how my clothes are so bad, or how I'm so ugly and yadda yadda. I hate school so much, I actually think I'm going to go to virtual school for my junior and senior years. I don't think I can take another two years of this. It's going to kill me. I'm emotionally dead all day long. And my parents treat me like I'm fucking retarded. Liek I'm just this idiot moving through life floundering and unable to do anything for myself. My mind keeps going back to Tupac in particular, and how he dropped out of high school and did his thing in life. He was about 60% on the wrong path in life, but there's this weird little thing in him that you see in his eyes in movies or hear in his voice in a couple of his better songs that's just like, there. If you get me. I want to be alive my entire life, and do whatever interests me. I want to live a full life, not wait around for the next excitement to come and blow my mind. I'm just tired of my life and these cut and dry people. And I honestly think my depression is kicking back in. It's sad, because I go through life without the spark I used to have. When I was younger I was one of the Smart Kids, this little prodigy. Now I'm just kind of mediocre, and everyone looks right through me. That's why I like reading books and seeing people who've already went on to the other universe. Liek, it seems like Tupac knew everyone had these low-ass expectations and conceptions about him, and that there was the soul-light thing inside that no on ewanted to know or could see. Like, I know I'm better than what it appears. I don't know though. He fed the people and I think that contributed to his death. Llike, he just gave up.

btw, I've been toying around with a thing about a kind of black juke-joint type story. I'm getting more and more afrocentric everyday, and I love it. Like, the motherland is kind of there with me, and I'm more connected to the universe than ever before. It's going to be sultry, and full. Everything.

Peace and Love,

Imani