apprehension (go back »)

I am not mentally stable. I'm beginning to feel like that more and more. Lately, I've been desperately depressed, and dissassociated with life, like I'm not even there. I'm increasingly silent in school and I only feel like myself when I'm listening to music. I just recently changed my exercise routine on Saturday. I've just been tryign to lose weight and everything. I just switch rapidly from feeling like I eat too much (1600 calories a day at present) and wanting to binge like a maniac. Is this normal? I get jealous of anyone who can eat normally. It seems llike everyone else can just go to a cafe and eat a cookie and a cappucino and be fine. I'd gain weight, or be guilty about it, or eat the whole store. I wonder how this happened to me. This whole weight/ugliness/depression thing.

Anyway, I've been looking into some awesome clothes and music. SO far I've got The Knife, Fever Ray, and Royksopp. I need good rock though. In the past 18 months the only good bands I've stepped on are no joke Alesana adn Death Cab. I love music so much. It makes me feel alive. I need to get back to writing though. That's my thing. I'm toying with a story about a miscarriage. I have no real maternal instinct, but still it would be horrible to lose a child.

It's very depressing at my school though. All anyone ever talks about is how blown they got over the last weekend. I mean, drugs are cool and everything, but they're not life (rephrase that. talking about a trip is okay.). It's so sad, like are you living to be high? I'm so over this. If I ever get to the point where all I can see in life is hanging around in someone's parent's basement smoking weed, please universe kill me. Like, there's heaven and hell out there. Go find some of it for yourself.