nearly done (go back »)

this year is almost done with. I'm so glad of that.

Right now I'm at an edge of something. I'm restless, adn achy, adn depressed. Not depressed in the sense of the mental illness, just depressed in the sense of going down. I've just been so tired of being here and doing my work. I keep overeating like hell. I feel like a damn loser. I can't beleive that some people can go through ttheir whole lives and not have a problem with their body or their weight. It doesn't seem fair. Like, in science class and in math class and all that bullshit I can know people are talking about me. I don't care anymore. I can't muster up hatred, I just want to go. Everyone just seems so shallow and so hopeless. It seems like, alot of the time and for alot of people, like resistence is futile. Basically like they can't see the universe and they don't want a bite of the world. They're perfectly satisfied with living in this same tired ass town and partying or smoking weed. That does seem awesome, but there's so much more to life. Like, UB was talking about taking mushroms and being able to see music, like, last thursday. I think that's kinda funny because even though I've never had a drug in my life I can sometimes see music in my mind or it gives me a physical reaction. Or it gives me visions. Anyhow, the non-druggie kids just basically work themselves to the grindstone for what I know will just turn out to be a middle class life. I used to be all like that, but I just stopped one day and was like "what's the point?". Like, seriously, what's the point in working your ass off just to get stuff and  then working harder to keep stuff? It's fucking stupid. Most people are just douchebags. I realized that. Everyone doesn't have a fiery mind when they're quiet or when they're all alone. Everyone doesn't think. Most people with no life behind the eyes truly do have no life behind the eyes.

Do you know what else I've come to? Underneath all my afrocentric, anti-establisment, black nationalist/afristocrat, eruditism and overall cultural awareness I still have very close under the surface the strong desire to no longer be black. I fucking wish for one day I could look in the mirror and see some light brown skin and some long, long, long, dark black hair of a Persian or be white a beautiful like a Japanese or scandinavian person. I talk alot of shit in public about africa and the heritage but I am deeply alienated and uncomforatable and I, frankly,  scorn alot of black things. Whenever I go to some stereotypical liquor store or meet a bunch of new people my skin crawls at the idea that they might see me and my brown skin adn think I'm like them or like that damned other. Like, would they see me adn know that analyzation and methaphors are two of my favorite things in the univerese? Or do they think in my earphones is some shitty ass rap instead of some fucking swedish indie rock? No matter how much shit  I can talk about africa and how much I hate 90% of white people, I still am by far, way more white, or more international, than I will ever be black? It makes me sick to my stomach that the things I abhore and make an effort not to ever be connected with, may possiblly be automatically associated with me on the basis of color alone? I'm not loud, I don't use slang, I'm not mean, I'm not rude or violent. I'm definitely not bursque. So do these things, that are often applied to black girls, automatically get applied to me? I wish I wasn't born like this. I don't want to be forced to disprove a set stereotype everytime I relocate and still realize that the next day they're still waiting on the edge for the ghetto balck bitch to come out.  I don't want to be automatically marked off every guy's list of potential lovers because he doesn't date black girls. It's fucking turmoil. My afrocentriam stems from separating shame from my people's nation and to end the whole concept of inferiority. I simply want full personhood. Is the idea that everyone can co-exist only a utopian ideal? I'm so tired of beong belittled because of my color or told that it's a post-racial world when I can't even go to American Apparel adn not get profiled. And that's the thing. I  totally understand the sentiment of the ghetto person that says "They think I'm shit, so I'll show them shit". That's why I'm nationalist rather than integrationalist, at least when it comes to most of American society. Becaue most white people can't really see a black perons as an individual adn msot black people can't get past slavery adn really embrace a white person. There are exceptions to this, beautiful exceptions. But my solution is to kepe rolling until I find the place where I can be Imani and not a color. Or for that matter anything and just be.

Peace adn Love,

Imani