Shitfaced Novelist

Today is oct. 30th, but it\'s the day that we celebrate halloween at Heights since it\'s a friday. Niyah is wearing her white dolamn, ankle pants, boots, sleeveless hoodie and a bunch of cheesy jewelry to be emo, and I\'m wearing the same pants and boots but with me dolman, a blazer, and my red, black, green, and yellow hat and wristband to be a black radical. But OMG, katie\'s wearing one of those slutty dorothy dresses. It\'s so fucking funny. BTW, she and damai are going out. Otaku + Otaku = : ) for them.

My life right now is going so goddamn well it\'s scary. I\'m back in my skinny clothes and just started exercising again. I\'m missing tyrel like hell though. And UB. But everything is cool with me. And Ambia got this hot, cropped leatehr jacket from bebe. I\'m so happy for her. She\'s getting prettier and prettier everyday, and she\'s has such a nice body I want her to realize it! I have such lovely friends.

Tomorrow I\'m going trick or treating at all the big houses in the area. Tonight I\'m going to a party at the library and maybe the AFS party, but I doubt that because that club is full of preps. Shock of shocks I feel pretty and skinny today, even though I\'m about 130 or 128 right now. And Terrence wants us to come to OSU to party. That place is ful of hotties and shit, like, damn. But this year, as I\'ve been saying, is my make better year. I want to be more social, experience more things, and get my GPA up. So far I have all As and Bs except in math.

Peace adn Love,

Imani

Today is oct. 30th, but it's the day that we celebrate halloween at Heights since it's a friday. Niyah is wearing her white dolamn, ankle pants, boots, sleeveless hoodie and a bunch of cheesy jewelry to be emo, and I'm wearing the same pants and boots but with me dolman, a blazer, and my red, black, green, and yellow hat and wristband to be a black radical. But OMG, katie's wearing one of those slutty dorothy dresses. It's so fucking funny. BTW, she and damai are going out. Otaku + Otaku = : ) for them.

My life right now is going so goddamn well it's scary. I'm back in my skinny clothes and just started exercising again. I'm missing tyrel like hell though. And UB. But everything is cool with me. And Ambia got this hot, cropped leatehr jacket from bebe. I'm so happy for her. She's getting prettier and prettier everyday, and she's has such a nice body I want her to realize it! I have such lovely friends.

Tomorrow I'm going trick or treating at all the big houses in the area. Tonight I'm going to a party at the library and maybe the AFS party, but I doubt that because that club is full of preps. Shock of shocks I feel pretty and skinny today, even though I'm about 130 or 128 right now. And Terrence wants us to come to OSU to party. That place is ful of hotties and shit, like, damn. But this year, as I've been saying, is my make better year. I want to be more social, experience more things, and get my GPA up. So far I have all As and Bs except in math.

Peace adn Love,

Imani

this year is almost done with. I'm so glad of that.

Right now I'm at an edge of something. I'm restless, adn achy, adn depressed. Not depressed in the sense of the mental illness, just depressed in the sense of going down. I've just been so tired of being here and doing my work. I keep overeating like hell. I feel like a damn loser. I can't beleive that some people can go through ttheir whole lives and not have a problem with their body or their weight. It doesn't seem fair. Like, in science class and in math class and all that bullshit I can know people are talking about me. I don't care anymore. I can't muster up hatred, I just want to go. Everyone just seems so shallow and so hopeless. It seems like, alot of the time and for alot of people, like resistence is futile. Basically like they can't see the universe and they don't want a bite of the world. They're perfectly satisfied with living in this same tired ass town and partying or smoking weed. That does seem awesome, but there's so much more to life. Like, UB was talking about taking mushroms and being able to see music, like, last thursday. I think that's kinda funny because even though I've never had a drug in my life I can sometimes see music in my mind or it gives me a physical reaction. Or it gives me visions. Anyhow, the non-druggie kids just basically work themselves to the grindstone for what I know will just turn out to be a middle class life. I used to be all like that, but I just stopped one day and was like "what's the point?". Like, seriously, what's the point in working your ass off just to get stuff and  then working harder to keep stuff? It's fucking stupid. Most people are just douchebags. I realized that. Everyone doesn't have a fiery mind when they're quiet or when they're all alone. Everyone doesn't think. Most people with no life behind the eyes truly do have no life behind the eyes.

Do you know what else I've come to? Underneath all my afrocentric, anti-establisment, black nationalist/afristocrat, eruditism and overall cultural awareness I still have very close under the surface the strong desire to no longer be black. I fucking wish for one day I could look in the mirror and see some light brown skin and some long, long, long, dark black hair of a Persian or be white a beautiful like a Japanese or scandinavian person. I talk alot of shit in public about africa and the heritage but I am deeply alienated and uncomforatable and I, frankly,  scorn alot of black things. Whenever I go to some stereotypical liquor store or meet a bunch of new people my skin crawls at the idea that they might see me and my brown skin adn think I'm like them or like that damned other. Like, would they see me adn know that analyzation and methaphors are two of my favorite things in the univerese? Or do they think in my earphones is some shitty ass rap instead of some fucking swedish indie rock? No matter how much shit  I can talk about africa and how much I hate 90% of white people, I still am by far, way more white, or more international, than I will ever be black? It makes me sick to my stomach that the things I abhore and make an effort not to ever be connected with, may possiblly be automatically associated with me on the basis of color alone? I'm not loud, I don't use slang, I'm not mean, I'm not rude or violent. I'm definitely not bursque. So do these things, that are often applied to black girls, automatically get applied to me? I wish I wasn't born like this. I don't want to be forced to disprove a set stereotype everytime I relocate and still realize that the next day they're still waiting on the edge for the ghetto balck bitch to come out.  I don't want to be automatically marked off every guy's list of potential lovers because he doesn't date black girls. It's fucking turmoil. My afrocentriam stems from separating shame from my people's nation and to end the whole concept of inferiority. I simply want full personhood. Is the idea that everyone can co-exist only a utopian ideal? I'm so tired of beong belittled because of my color or told that it's a post-racial world when I can't even go to American Apparel adn not get profiled. And that's the thing. I  totally understand the sentiment of the ghetto person that says "They think I'm shit, so I'll show them shit". That's why I'm nationalist rather than integrationalist, at least when it comes to most of American society. Becaue most white people can't really see a black perons as an individual adn msot black people can't get past slavery adn really embrace a white person. There are exceptions to this, beautiful exceptions. But my solution is to kepe rolling until I find the place where I can be Imani and not a color. Or for that matter anything and just be.

Peace adn Love,

Imani

As anyone with half a brain could tell, today is day of silence. I decided not to do it this year because I just didn't feel like it and I don't need to keep my motherfuckng mouth closed for a day to prove that I support gay people.

It's so funny because UB and his GF were just in the library (I come in here during my lunch periods because I'm too much of a pussy to cut and I hate the cafeteria). I just walked in and saw his ass. As I think I said, he's buzzed his hair. I've gotten over it though. It's just funny because last year on DOS he cut his hair and he came in the library and I saw him, same as this year. So much has changed about me since then. I'm alot calmer, and low key, and more hard core but also more resigned and tired. I'm now listening to Lykke Li. That brings my swedish music groups I like up to five. Anyhow, this year kind of flattened me out in a way. I think being in a class with UB has changed that stalker/stalkee dynamic and feeling between us. Before I think he just thought I was this weird girl, but seeing me by myslef I think he realizes I'm just a person who's fond of him, but isn't particularly creepy, and is actually quite normal. Back to me. This year has helped me realize that I'm just this entity and my scene is being everything. The heartbeats live version is so beautiful. I almost feel my heart drop whenever I hear it. It just sounds so authentic and pure, like Karin and Olof are just up there doing that concert like it's th eonly thing that matters in the universe, actually, like the music is the unverse. 

And, the funny part is, even with that short hair, UB stil has his baby hair. And I saw him give this big ass smile adn it made me so happy.  

I haven't written on here in exactly four weeks.

Over spring break (the last week of march), I binged four times. It was absolutely horrible. After that, I decided to up my fitness routine and when I weighed myself yesterday, I was 127.6 lbs. I'm so happy about that. It's taken me so long to get under the 130 mark, and I finally have. Now, my goal is to get to 119, so I have a ways to go. But I'm still happy. I'm very aware that I have an eating disorder, one that people struggle with for years. So I'll never fully be able to stop. So, I'm going to allow myself to binge for a two days in a row every three weeks. That way, I'll still be able to loose weight and have what I want. Yeah.

Anyhow, last night was my school's talent show. Everyone really sucked except this girl that sang "at last" and my brother's best friend, his brother, and this other guy, who happened to be the same guy I've mentioned before, the same one I've been lusting after for four years. The have a metal band and were actually very good. The thing about UB is that I can't make myself stop lusting after him. He's not even hot, at least not in the face. It's just, like, this thing that there's just something so...strange about the whole matter. He's just this guy who definitely knows of my presence and who I am (we have the same math class, he's friends with my brother, adn besides that I have this icky little intentional habit of showing up at alot of the same places he does. Not like stalking, just on coventry, or the RTA or something.), and I just think is the sexiest, hottest, end all in the universe. I just totally dig the living shit out of him. I can't quite articulate it here. I need to write something to do that.

And here comes my next story idea. I'm going to write about obbsessive love, I think. Unrequited, obsessed love.  The feeling that you can never have this one perosn you really love is just terrible, adn oyu pine away like echo and die repeating and replicating everything they ever say or do. My brand of lust for UB is like an artist. If I was a really talented painter or musician, I'd create so much in his image. Like, I'm the quiet, passive god, adn he's the active adam and eve.  I just find him so beautiful that I could honesty see the world operating and the sun shining becaue of him. If I can ever get on his facebook page I'll paste a link of his picture on here and put his entry on private.

Peace and Love,

Imani