Shitfaced Novelist

I'm back to feeling like shit. I've actually been feeling like complete and total shit for the better part of about three weeks. I'm tired of being ugly, adn being fat. I've just been looking aroung lately, adn I'm, like, looking like hell in comparison. I have the most fucked up hair in the universe. I just wish I had something even a little bit attractive about myself. There's no heart in me anymore. I just don't feel like myself at all. Like, I'm completely vacant and checked out all the time. it's like I'm nothing. Not fat, not thin, not pretty, not a damn thing but fucking ugly. Just some dull, nodescript, mediocre stain on the wall that everyone would rather forget.

So. Right now I'm dedicating myself to working out and not binging so I can get down to the size I want to be. I'm trying to get into better shape with the good weather. I don't know if I'm back in a spell of depression, or I've just been feeling crappy or what. I wish wish wish I could be happy, but I'm just not. Something needs to hit me past this awfulness.

Peace and Love,

Imani

Right now I feel like hell. I'm sick, weak, I have a stomach ache, and I have to take my OGTs today, which is going to determine whether or not I can graduate. I don't want to take this test. I feel like shit and I want my mom to come pick me up form school.

BTW, man, I binged on saturday and sunday (today is Monday). But it's okay beacause that was the last itme, like, ever. And I weighed myself on saturday adn I weighed 127.2 in PJs. So I'm probably about 130 at the moment, which is the fattest I'm gonna be unless I decide to get pregnant or something in my future, and having babies is not on my agenda.

I feel so sick!!!!

Peace and Love,

Imani

I feel like complete and total shit. This is only to be expected, because my life is always unbalanced and miserable. I had a binge on Monday. I ate alot of Hershey's choclate, two poptarts, eggplant parmesian with garlic bread, sugar smacks, three hotdogs, and saltines with peanut butter. It seems as though every time I attempt to make phyisical strides I fuck up. So now I feel like hell. I've actually felt like hell for a while now, but I won't go into that. I need to lose about 15 pounds still, and my whole body aches constantly. It really seems like everyone in the universe is a naturally thin person, and doesn't have to deal with half the bullshit I have to. I'm beginning to think I was meant to be fat and it is an uphill battle not to be. I wish I didn't have an eating disorderm adn I could go through life normal like everyone else. I'm tired of being taunted by douchebag schoolmates, and tired of living in this hellhole. I'm just plain tired.

Peace and love,

Imani

Yesterday me and my sister put on our jeans, the ones I bought a size to small as an incentive to lose weight. When I first put them on I had all this flab over it, and now my stomach (while standing with my abs in) just sits normal and flat. I need to lose about 5 more inches until my tummy is totally flat. We also measures ourselves, and we're 34-28-38 as far as measurements go. So I actually am having results. Another incentive to keep riding the elliptical from hell and to keep my tendency to binge down.

As far as my professional life goes, I wrote a couple pages for a story called "Rhythym" last week. It's about a guy named Patch that's going to get his world rocked in this steamy summer in the 1920s south. It's pretty cool. Hopefully I won't lose interest.

BTW, this guy from BET and CNN came to my school today. That black guy with the really long dreds. He was pretty cool. It seems like every awesome black person has dreadlocks. I wish I'd've dreaded my hair when I was younger. They would've been long as hell by now.

Peace adn Love,

Imani

Over the three day weekend (monday was president's day, today is tuesday), I had a three day binge. I feel like a complete and total loser. I hope I didn't gain any permanent weight. Maybe I saved myself from coming harm. I don't know, I just want to lose some lbs.

This past week or so I've been writing poetry and things. I only ever write in verse when I feel kind of strange, so that's a change for me. I'm still trying to get the cycle straight about my juke-joint sex story. I love that time period. People in some hot club in the bayou or in the city, sweating it out with one another despite a hard day of work. There's a kind of feel of eternal youth in that type of setting, and the sense of tiredness adn revolution in the black youth of the 20s seemed to grow in those type of places. Basically them like "this isn't right, I'm more than this," and I just identify with it. Besides there would be a beast soundtrack of that low-down jazz and stuff. I'm not particularly a jazz fan, but it has so much heart and soul and body to it.

Speaking of this, there's so many dumb bitches in this school it's unreal. Someone please shoot me now.

Peace and Love,

Imani