Shitfaced Novelist

I am not mentally stable. I'm beginning to feel like that more and more. Lately, I've been desperately depressed, and dissassociated with life, like I'm not even there. I'm increasingly silent in school and I only feel like myself when I'm listening to music. I just recently changed my exercise routine on Saturday. I've just been tryign to lose weight and everything. I just switch rapidly from feeling like I eat too much (1600 calories a day at present) and wanting to binge like a maniac. Is this normal? I get jealous of anyone who can eat normally. It seems llike everyone else can just go to a cafe and eat a cookie and a cappucino and be fine. I'd gain weight, or be guilty about it, or eat the whole store. I wonder how this happened to me. This whole weight/ugliness/depression thing.

Anyway, I've been looking into some awesome clothes and music. SO far I've got The Knife, Fever Ray, and Royksopp. I need good rock though. In the past 18 months the only good bands I've stepped on are no joke Alesana adn Death Cab. I love music so much. It makes me feel alive. I need to get back to writing though. That's my thing. I'm toying with a story about a miscarriage. I have no real maternal instinct, but still it would be horrible to lose a child.

It's very depressing at my school though. All anyone ever talks about is how blown they got over the last weekend. I mean, drugs are cool and everything, but they're not life (rephrase that. talking about a trip is okay.). It's so sad, like are you living to be high? I'm so over this. If I ever get to the point where all I can see in life is hanging around in someone's parent's basement smoking weed, please universe kill me. Like, there's heaven and hell out there. Go find some of it for yourself.

Today I don't really feel like myself. I don't feel fat or particularly ugly, I just feel tired and lethargic. I'm kind of pullling myself along by my bootstraps. It's hard.

Last night, my parents pulled a bunch of shit by telling me that they're goiong to pull me out of my chemistry class because I failed the first semester. That's some crap, because I spend two hours a night on that homework. I take notes, and do everything else I should. And I shouldn't be punished simple for not getting good grades. Not to mention that that class is the only time in a day I really don't feel like killing myself. It's so frustrating, this school thing. All the work is either extremely difficult, insultingly easy, or the teacher sucks so much ass I don't understand what they're saying. In addition to this, I'm taunted on almost the daily basis. Wherever I go in this damn school I get some dumb comments about how my clothes are so bad, or how I'm so ugly and yadda yadda. I hate school so much, I actually think I'm going to go to virtual school for my junior and senior years. I don't think I can take another two years of this. It's going to kill me. I'm emotionally dead all day long. And my parents treat me like I'm fucking retarded. Liek I'm just this idiot moving through life floundering and unable to do anything for myself. My mind keeps going back to Tupac in particular, and how he dropped out of high school and did his thing in life. He was about 60% on the wrong path in life, but there's this weird little thing in him that you see in his eyes in movies or hear in his voice in a couple of his better songs that's just like, there. If you get me. I want to be alive my entire life, and do whatever interests me. I want to live a full life, not wait around for the next excitement to come and blow my mind. I'm just tired of my life and these cut and dry people. And I honestly think my depression is kicking back in. It's sad, because I go through life without the spark I used to have. When I was younger I was one of the Smart Kids, this little prodigy. Now I'm just kind of mediocre, and everyone looks right through me. That's why I like reading books and seeing people who've already went on to the other universe. Liek, it seems like Tupac knew everyone had these low-ass expectations and conceptions about him, and that there was the soul-light thing inside that no on ewanted to know or could see. Like, I know I'm better than what it appears. I don't know though. He fed the people and I think that contributed to his death. Llike, he just gave up.

btw, I've been toying around with a thing about a kind of black juke-joint type story. I'm getting more and more afrocentric everyday, and I love it. Like, the motherland is kind of there with me, and I'm more connected to the universe than ever before. It's going to be sultry, and full. Everything.

Peace and Love,

Imani

This is fucking awesome right now. I'm watching the inauguration on CNN in my school's library as I'm on this computer. The Obama family has just arrived and tey're panning over the crowd right now. The girls and Mrs. Obama got out of this plane. looking so happy it's insane. I'm beginning to feel that euphoric feeling again, like everything I'm doing is insignificant and no matter how fucked up things are, it's all going to be okay. Like, after the election I felt like I was floating on air and it was weird. America is about to twist in a neew direction and these next couple of years are going to affect how we're seen in the futture for the rest of forever. So I say, let the euphoria spread to everyone, and let us all forget about the hardships and pain and suffering in the air, and all the death and misery to celebrate for a day the new twist in history. Peace and love and partying all over the country, and lovemaking because love in kind of in charge for a day. As for Mr. Obama and the '08-12 cabinet, luck and blessings from all the universe. Work day and night to help the economy and  the war and keep giving all the kids in the world another reason to live, and keep proving to them that the man can't always keep you down.

Today there was a fight at my lunch period. It was between these two grubby looking fat girls and it was hilarious. Like, okay, in my cafeteria, the southern side is occupied by the ghetto kids and the northern side is divided in half, half preppy assholes and half cool kids that don't really fit in. I think one can guess where I sit. Anyway, this random ass girl just comes up and punches the shit of this other girl, and then this massive fight breaks. All these ghetto little freshmen ran to see it, but everyone else in the lunch room was cracking up. It was so funny, 'cause this principal tried to break them up but he couldn't, so he stood up on a table and tackeled the fatter of the two girls to the ground. She was struggling and shit and everyone else just laughed even harder. It was kind of tragic in a way, though, beacauce people like that don't really know how to cope any other way. Like, I think about that kind of stuff all the time.

My high school is  little cool like that because since we have three major factions of people, it's easy to compare the different ways people act. Especially the whole male/female dynamic. I'm kind of like that, weird in a way, like I'm always looking around to see what other people are doing. It's just sad because alot of those girls are in no way, shape or form feminine or girly, and they all seem to crave attention. They behave like men in a way, and it's like they're just in the universe floating around. Like, if you notice all the girls in history and shit, they like to be pretty and cute an delicate and valued, if you're with me. I'm not to good at articulating myself like I am at articulating stories. I personally want a wonderful, lasting peace-love in my life from some awesome dude. But alot of ghetto chicks act so loud and hateful like "I don't need anyone" to the world and they just go through life being these stereotypes and it's fucked up. BTW, I'm writing again.

Peace and Love,

Imani

I've been off the last two weeks for winter break, and I'm back in the hell hole known as high school. My break was okay, but some mah=jor league downer type things happened.

I went shopping for some shit at the more upscale mall in my town (instead of the usual department store anchors, it has a Saks and a Nordstrom). Anyway, I was in there with my twin sister and two of our friends, and there were just a bunch of preppy assholes there. They walk around with this super vacant expression on their faces in their North Face pullovers and Uggs practically screaming "I'm better than you becaue I'm white!" It no joke pisses me off. Like, I don'tdeserve to be there cause I've got some more melanin than the type of douchebags I go to school with. And there were also a bunch of dumb ass black people to dumb to realize they were being racially profiled. That's one of the main reasons why I can't stand about 90% of black people. Alot of white people are really ignorant, annoying, and closet racist, but most black people are fucking retarded. I venture to say it would be easier to count the black people whoe AREN'T retarded than to count the ones who are. I swear, I'm just going to have to spend the restof my life wtih asians, arabs, persians, and latinos because I can't stand black peopole or white people. Ugh.

But I think I'm going to write more about what's goign on in my mind rather than whats happening, because I don't really do alot and what I have to say can get a little repetitive. That's it.

Peace and Love,

Imani